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Sometimes you are
the bug. Sometimes you are the windshield. |
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Sometimes, I feel
like two-thirds Rice Crispies…past Snap and Crackle, but
just shy of Pop! |
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Sometimes, I wake
up early, so I can be with "ME" even longer! |
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Sometimes, it’s
tragic. Sometimes, it’s magic. I have a good life all
the same. |
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Spark it up, sparky. |
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Speak kind words,
and you will hear kind echoes. |
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Speed doesn't
kill...it's the sudden stop at the end that kills. |
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Start every day
with a smile, and get it out of the way! |
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Stop sipping on the
haterade. |
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Stupid hurts! |
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Stupid people
should assist the process of natural selection or "
survival of the fittest " volunteering for mandatory
surgical sterilization. |
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Success comes with
a Backbone, not a Wishbone. |
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Success is just
luck. Ask any failure. |
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Swallowing pride
has zero calories. |
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Take care of the
pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves. |
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Tall, blonde, and
mean as a snake…any questions? |
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Thank God for the
last minute. Otherwise, a lot of stuff wouldn't get
done. |
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Thank God, there’s
a new day coming. I could use a break! |
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That's a definite
maybe! |
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The 82nd Airborne
Division: When it ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY has to be
destroyed OVERNIGHT! |
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The best room, is
room for improvement. |
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The best three
reasons for being a teacher are June, July, and August. |
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The best way to
forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. |
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The biggest problem
with communication is the perception that it occurred. |
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The combination of
menopause and teenage children is proof that God is not
a woman. |
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The difference
between failure and success is doing a thing nearly
right and doing it exactly right. |
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The difference
between think and know is...he thinks he's your father,
and I KNOW I'm your mother. |
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The early bird may
get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese! |
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The Enterprise crew
doesn't know it, but we secretly replaced their
dilithium with Folgers Crystals. |
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The future's so
bright, I gotta wear shades. |
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The gene pool could
use a little chlorine. |
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The good things
that come to those who wait are only leftovers from
those who got there first. |
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The grass is only
greener where you water it. |
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The grass may
always appear to be greener on the other side of the
fence, but it needs to be mowed and watered and probably
has thistles. |
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The happiest people
don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just
make the most of everything that comes their way. |
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The key to
immortality is first living a life worth remembering. |
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The longest journey
begins with a single step. |
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The Lord gave us
two ends... one to sit on and one to think with. Success
in life depends on
which one you use the most! |
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The main thing is
to keep the main thing the main thing. |
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The more I drink,
the better you look. So, I think I'll have another beer! |
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The more you know,
the more you know you need to know. |
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The most important
sense we have is our sense of humor. |
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The next time you
think you're perfect, try walking on water! |
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The number of
people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action. |
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The one thing you
can give and yet always keep is your word! |
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The only good
losers are the ones who are used to it! |
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The only place
where SUCCESS comes before WORK is in the dictionary. |
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The only substitute
for good manners is fast reflexes. |
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The only thing
requiring payback is a good deed. |
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The only thing that
can't be taken from you is your education! |
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The only thing you
should do behind someone's back is pat it. |
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The person rowing
the boat usually doesn't have time to rock it. |
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The positive side
to feeling empty is that you can fill it with anything. |
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The problem with
people who have no vices is that, generally, you can be
pretty sure they're going
to have some pretty annoying virtues. |
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The problem with
the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards! |
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The problems in the
world can not be solved by the level of thinking that
created them. |
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The purest form of
insanity is doing the same things and expecting
different results. |
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The real art of
conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the most tempting moment. |
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The road to Hell is
paved with good intentions. |
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The sky is not the
limit...the ground is. |
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The sooner some
leave this planet, the better! |
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The sooner you fall
behind, the more time you have to catch up! |
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The stone that the
builder refuses will always be the head cornerstone. |
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The strongest oaks
grow where the strongest winds blow. |
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The strongest reed
is found in swift water! |
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The thirst for
knowledge (like that for water) must be quenched. Don't
dehydrate! |
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The toes you step
on today could be connected to the @$$ you kiss
tomorrow. |
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The trouble with
some people is that they won't admit their faults. I'd
admit mine, if I had any. |
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The weather is
here. Wish you were beautiful! |
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The world's a
stage, but some people are better actors with brighter
costumes! |
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There are 3 kinds
of people…those that can count, and those that cannot. |
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There are easier
things in life than meeting a good man…nailing Jell-O to
a tree, for instance! |
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There are many
theories on how to argue with a woman. None of them
work! |
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There are no
traffic jams on the extra mile. |
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There are three
kinds of people in the world…those who can count and
those who can't. |
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There are two
mantras in life, "yum" and "yuk". Mine is "yum". |
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There are two
things you need to know...1.There is a God. 2.You are
not Him! |
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There are two types
of people...characters and people with character. |
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There are two ways
of spreading light: to be the candle, or the mirror that
reflects it. |
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There is a
rational, scientific explanation for this. We just
haven't found it yet. |
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They shouldn't have
let me in the water if they didn't want me to make
waves. |
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This is as bad as
it gets...but don't count on it. |
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This is bad on so
many levels. |
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This is the
earliest I've ever been late! |
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Those of you who
think you know everything, annoy the hell out of us who
do. |
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Those that play
with the owls at night won't soar with the eagles at
dawn! |
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Those who know how
to laugh at themselves never run out of things to laugh
about. |
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Those without
imagination are destined to live in reality. |
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Time flies when
you're spoiling someone else's fun. |
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Time is a great
teacher, but it kills every one of its students. |
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To be old and wise
you must first be young and dumb. |
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To err is human. To
really screw things up requires a COMPUTER! |
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To make the world a
better place, look in the mirror first. |
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To really know a
man, observe his behavior with a woman, a flat tire, and
a child. |
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To run with the big
dog, you can't pee like a puppy. |
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To the optimist,
the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. |
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To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. |
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To the world you
are just someone, but to someone you are the world. |
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Today’s mighty oak
is just yesterday’s little nut that held its ground! |
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Tomorrow, I shall
be sober, and you will still be ugly. |
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Treat everyone like
they're worth a million, even if they don't have any
cents. |
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Triumph is just
UMPH added to TRY! |
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Trouble always
starts out looking like fun! |
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True friends are
those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't
think you've done
a permanent job. |
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True genius always
borders on insanity. |
