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Fountain of Wisdom

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Fountain of Wisdom: The Classics
© 2003 Stephen D. Glass
All Rights Reserved.
The best collection of Americans' favorite inspirational, motivational funny sayings, phrases and quotes from all over the U.S.

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If a man had enough sense to treat his lady like a thoroughbred, she’d never grow into an old nag!
If a man is truly blessed, he returns home from fishing to be greeted by the best catch of his life.
If a man wants to lead an orchestra, he must first turn his back to the crowd.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If all the world's a stage, we need a better director!
If an Oriental person spun around in circles, would he become disoriented?
If at first you don't succeed, hire somebody.
If at first you don't succeed, reformat!
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
If everyone would concentrate on the important things in life, there would be a shortage of fishing rods!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
If God can deal with eternity, I can handle today!
If God is your co-pilot, you're sitting in the wrong seat!
If I could change the alphabet, I would put U, N, I together.
If I don't get in touch with you in a year or two, please show me the same consideration.
If I had life to live over again, I'd pay better attention.
If I had my life to live over, I would pick more daisies!
If I take you out on a date, what time do I have to bring you back to Heaven?
If I told you once, I told you twice. You can't go to heaven with another man's wife.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
If I was any better, there would be two of me!
If I were blonde, would I know it?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
If it is called common sense, why doesn't everybody have it?
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
If it weren't for the last minute a lot of things wouldn't get done.
If life's a bowl of cherries, why do I always get the pits?
If Mama ain't happy...ain't nobody happy.
If my name is on it, you know it's done right.
If only there were more hours in a day.
If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
If the elevator to success isn't running, take the stairs!
If the grass is greener on the other side, you aren't taking care of your own grass.
If time is in a bottle, then don't waste time sipping.
If trains stop at train stations, what happens at workstations?
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.
If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much room!
If you are walking on thin ice, you might as well dance.
If you can guess when rocks were secret weapons, then you guessed my age.
If you can read this, thank a teacher!
If you can see the obstacle, you must have taken your eyes off the goal.
If you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague!
If you can't bite, don't growl.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull!
If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
If you do not seek laughter at every opportunity you will get wrinkles!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
If you don't have time to do it right the first time, how are you going to find the time to do it again?
If you don't know what your options are, you don't have any.
If you don't want to get wet, stay on the shore!
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.
If you follow the herd, guess what you're bound to step in?
If you fool around at the sideshows, you may miss the circus.
If you go around with your head up your butt, things are going to look really crappy.
If you got it, floss it!
If you lie down with dogs, expect to get up with fleas!
If you live with one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, all you do is p*ss all over today.
If you muddy the stream of life, you're going to drink dirty water!
If you really want lobster, don't settle for licking the top of a tuna fish can.
If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours!
If you still believe in stereotypes, you haven't met me.
If you think education is expensive, look at the price of ignorance!
If you think today is a bad day, try missing it all together.
If you think you can, you're probably right. If you think you can't, you're probably right, too.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try one more time than you fail, then you have never failed!
If you wake me up early, you better have some coffee in your hand for me!
If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention.
If you want to fly with eagles, you can't run with turkeys.
If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your Plan for Life.
If you want to own the body, you’ve got to pay the rent!
If you want to ruin a great passion, just try earning a living doing it!
If you want to run with the big dogs, then stay off the porch.
If you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done.
If you were as dumb as dirt, you would cover an acre!
If you’re so smart, then why aren’t you rich?
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are upside down!
If your stick isn’t long enough to reach the bottom of the pot, you’re going to burn your hand.
If you're coasting, you're probably going downhill.
If you're going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce.
If you're not playing with a full deck, don't shuffle in public.
Ignorance is like dirt…it got all over everyone when we were created. 
Thank God some of us learned how to bathe!
Ignorance on your behalf does not constitute an emergency on my behalf.
I'll be fair and rethink your request. Umm, NO!
I'll never do "THAT" again!
I'm as happy as a "DEAD PIG" in the sunshine, and grinning like a Jackass eating saw briars.
I'm finer than a frog hair split 28 ways.
I'm going to prove the impossible really exists.
I'm lobbying to make Spam one of the 4 basic food groups.
I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm on a 30 day diet. So far, I've lost ten days.
I'm overworked and underslept.
I'm playing with a deck of 51 cards, and the queen of hearts is missing.
I'm so wound up I could ride my pony bare back and bare bottomed.
I'm too blessed to be stressed, and I refuse to be depressed.
In motorcycling, practice does not make perfect. But, it sure helps a lot.
In order for you to get on your feet, you first need to get off you’re a$$.
In order to capture the rainbow, you have to dare the storm.
In the fields of opportunity, it's plowin' time again.
In the immortal words of Einstein, "I said what?"

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****Fountain of Wisdom collection of favorite sayings and quotes
| Attorneys | Counselors | Engineers | FireFighters | Law Enforcement | Military | Ministers | Mothers | Nurses |
Retired Persons | Sales People | Teachers |
The Classics |

Collective Wisdom collection of favorite sayings and quotes
| Always | As a Teacher... | Be All You Can Be! | The Best Questions | Don't... | Happy Birthday! | Hey, Stupid | IF... | Love |
My GOD | Never | One of a Kind | Only You! | Power of Words | Tell Me About "IT" | That's Life! | Walk the Walk |

More Collections of favorite sayings and quotes
| Church Marquees | The Morals of Aesop's Fables | Pledge To America | Tom Swifties |

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