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Fountain of Wisdom

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Fountain of Wisdom: The Classics
© 2003 Stephen D. Glass
All Rights Reserved.
The best collection of Americans' favorite inspirational, motivational funny sayings, phrases and quotes from all over the U.S.

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F.I.D.O.  -  Forget It, Drive On.
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
Feed your faith, and your doubts will starve.
Figure out where you're going. It improves your chances of getting there.
First, we'll give him his rights. Then, we'll hang him.
  Five of the things I've learned the hard way: 1) nothing in life is free, 2) "forever" can be a very short time for some; 3) "one night" can drag on forever; 4) there is too much of that which aggravates us; and 5) there is never enough of what we love the most.
Flaunt what Mother Nature gives you before Father Time takes it away.
Forty isn't old...if you're a tree.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies!
FROG... Fully Rely On God!
Gentlemen...start your engines!
Get down and study for your pt test!
Get rid of your pride, before you have to swallow it.
Gettin' old ain't fer sissies.
Giving up on yourself is a crime, and it carries a life sentence.
Go sell crazy somewhere else, because we're all filled up here.
God give me the patience to get through the terrible twos, and threes, and fours, and, and, and...!
God made men first, because you always make a rough draft first.
God, give me patience. But, please hurry.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Golf is like sex. You don't have to be good at it if you can pick a good partner.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
Growing up is highly overrated.
Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it so that the other half may reach you.
Happiness is a perfume you can't pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
Hate to see you go. Love to watch you leave.
Have a cold glass of SHUT the hell up!
Have I got an oil for you to swallow!
Having a great time! Wish you were beer!
He had too many issues, so I cancelled his subscription.
He who can laugh at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.
He who laughs last, is slow to get a joke.
He who thinketh by the inch, yet talketh by the yard, should be kickethed by the foot.
Help me. I've fallen and I can't get up.
Here's to you, here's to me. If we ever disagree, @#$*$#@ you, here's to me!
Hero's never know what to expect.
How about you sit in my lap, and we will talk about the first thing that pops up!
How can I soar like an eagle when I'm surrounded by turkeys?
How come there's no Tech Support for life?
I always thought I wanted a career. Now, I have realized that all I want is the paycheck.
I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
  I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone choose it. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, whatever I think and feel is me. Take me for me!
I am not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am not dead, just old!
I am not going to ask you if you just said what I think you just said, because I know it’s what
you just said.
I am the only guy I know that can get out of line in a one-car funeral.
I am woman. I am invincible. I am tired.
I blame it all on my roots.
I can only please one person per day. Today is NOT your day, and tomorrow is not looking good EITHER!
I can resist anything...except temptation.
I can sell fire to the Devil.
I can't imagine Socrates saying that.
I choose to make every day a Zippity-do-dah-day.
I could insult your intelligence, but then you probably wouldn't understand the insult.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet.
I didn't just fall off a turnip truck.
I do not care to speak ill of any man, said Dr. Johnson, "but I have heard that he is an attorney."
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
I don't ask for much... just a little food money, just a little beer money, and every now and then
just a little.
I don't know about ignorance, and I don't care about apathy, but I absolutely will not put up with intolerance.
I don't mind that women leave me, but what really bugs me is when they tell me WHY.
I don't need a miracle, but I could use a push in the right direction.
I don't own the road. I am just the guy they pay to run it.
I don't suffer from insanity. I'm loving every minute of it.
I don't want to be your first lover. I want to be your last.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I dropped a tear in the ocean. When I find it will be the day I stop loving you.
I fantasize about having two to COOK, and one to CLEAN!
I gave up drinking, smoking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.
I gave you an answer. You just didn't see my finger.
I guess it ain't tomorrow, but it is closer than yesterday.
I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that won't work!
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
I have to remember to put the corks in my ears at night or my brain will leak out.
I keep pulling myself up by my bootstraps, but they keep breaking.
I know God will only give me what I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
I know it's here somewhere.
I know what you mean. I raise chickens.
I know. I know. You've got vision and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
I learn by my mistakes. Trouble is, it will take more than one lifetime to learn all that.
I learn more and more about less and less until eventually I know everything about nothing.
I like women who prefer roses on the table over diamonds around their necks.
I live in a state of perpetual confusion.
  I may never know what they learned on the playing fields of Eton, but on the playgrounds where I grew up, you learned pretty quick not to mess with family.
I might have been born at night, but it wasn't last night!
I must be a mushroom! Everyone keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullsh*t!
I must be butter, because I'm on a roll.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I once had a handle on life, but it broke.
I once met a man who was sad because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet.
I put on my shoes but remembered far too late my secret Spam stash.
I refuse to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed person.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
I think you are opinionated, only when your opinion is different than mine.
I think you have issues!
I tried sanity once, but it was an excruciating bore.
I used to be snow white, but I drifted.
I used to want to be a procrastinator, but I just never got around to it.
I want to die in my sleep like Grandpa, not like the screaming passengers in his car.
I wanted to say something about procrastination, but I'll tell you later.
I was born alive and I live that way.
I was cut out to be rich but was sewn up wrong.
I was homeless once, but didn't want anyone to know. So, I slept in front of a Ticketmaster.
I wasn't kissing him. I was telling his lips a secret.
I wasn't kissing him. I was whispering in his mouth.
I went to find a friend and couldn't find one anywhere. I went to be a friend and found them everywhere!
I wish. I wish. I wish I was a fish.
I wonder how deep the ocean would be without sponges.
I’m here to do two things…drink beer and kick a$$. I’m all out of beer.
I'd love to have a battle of wits with you, but I never fight an unarmed person!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have a rose on my table than diamonds around my neck.

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