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Never argue with an
idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you
with experience. |
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Never believe what
you hear on the internet. |
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Never debate a
fool, for the audience won't know who he is. |
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Never engage in a
battle of wits with someone who is unarmed! |
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Never get into
fights with ugly people, because they have nothing to
lose. |
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Never get your
honey where you get your money. |
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Never go to a
doctor whose office plants have died. |
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Never grow a
wishbone where your backbone ought to be. |
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Never let a kiss
fool you, and never let a fool kiss you. |
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Never let your
success go to your head, and never let your failures go
to your heart. |
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Never lie or cheat.
But, if you must lie, lie in each others arms. And, if
you must cheat, cheat death. |
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Never put paperwork
before people work. |
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Never underestimate
the power of human stupidity. |
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Never underestimate
the power of ignorance in large groups. |
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Never underestimate
the power of stupid people in large groups. |
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Never underestimate
the power of stupid people...period. |
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Never underestimate
the stupidity of a crowd. |
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No brains. No
headache. |
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No ma'am. Stupidity
isn’t against the law, but we discourage it anyway. |
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No man is an
island, but I wish sometimes they were all on one. |
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No one dies a
virgin. Life screws us all. |
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No one ever died
saying "I wish I kept a cleaner house". |
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No one ever said on
his deathbed, "Gee, if I'd only spent more time at the
office." |
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No one is going to
buy the whole ice cream truck when you're handing out
the Popsicles for free. |
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No sir. There is no
blood in my alcohol. |
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No. I'm not crazy,
but I am a carrier! |
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Nobody snows the
Snowman! |
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None are as deaf as
those who won't listen. |
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Nostalgia isn't
what it used to be. |
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Not every one can
learn from other peoples' mistakes. Some of us have to
be the other people. |
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Not the brightest
crayon in the box, are we? |
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Nothing is more
rewarding than watching someone who says it can't be
done... get interrupted by someone already doing it. |
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Nothing weighs less
than a promise. |
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Now lie on your
back and do everything the nice nurse tells you to. |
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Of all the things
you wear, your expression is the most important. |
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Of course, I don't
look busy. I did it right the first time. |
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Ok. What is this in
the fridge, and why does the mom have to clean it up? |
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Old clergy never
die. They just go to "pastor". |
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On my
tombstone..."I knew this would happen." |
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One day your prince
will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is
too stubborn to ask
for directions! |
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One good turn gets
most of the blankets! |
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One hundred years
from now it will not matter what kind of car I drove or
what kind of house
I lived in, but the world will be a better place because
I was important in the life of a child! |
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One must be careful
not to spread ignorance. It's deadly. |
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One must bend like
the willow and not be rigid like the oak. |
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One of these days
I'm going to grow up and act my age. NOT! |
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Only boring people
get bored. |
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Only dead fish go
with the flow! |
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Only the mediocre
are always at their best! |
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Opportunity only
knocks once. Temptation leans on the doorbell. |
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Otis has some
trouble in his brain. |
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Pain is inevitable.
Suffering is optional. |
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Pain...it lets you
know your still alive. |
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Patience is what
you admire in the car behind you and detest in the car
in front of you. |
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People are
basically stupid. Give them a chance, and they'll prove
it every time. |
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People are like
lightning bugs. They don't want to set the world on
fire…they just like to show their a$$ from time to time. |
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People don't care
how much you know, until they know how much you care. |
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People don't change
when they see the light. They change when they feel the
heat. |
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People need to be
as faithful as their pets. |
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People who live in
glass houses…shouldn't. |
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Perfect prior
planning prevents piss-poor performance. |
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Plant enough seeds,
and something’s going to grow. |
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Pobody's Nerfect! |
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Politicians are
like diapers. They need frequent changing, for the same
reasons. |
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Poor planning on
your part does not make an emergency for me. |
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Practice what you
preach. Your children may not listen, but they sure do
watch! |
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Pray Until
Something Happens (PUSH). |
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Procrastination is
the thief of time. Do it NOW. |
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Procrastination
means you know what you need to do and you don't do it.
If you don't know what
to do, you aren't procrastinating, you are thinking. |
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Put down the crack
pipe. |
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Quitters never win
and winners never quit! |
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Recruit it, salute
it, or shoot it! |
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Repetition is the
source of ignorance. If I've said it once, I've said it
a thousand times. |
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Respect yourself,
before you wreck yourself! |
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Rules of life: #1
Don't sweat the small stuff; #2 It is ALL small stuff! |
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Save the drama for
your Mama. |
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Second place is the
first loser. |
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Seduction is the
way to a man’s bed, but honesty is the way to a man’s
heart. |
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Sex can be a
spectator sport, but it's not as fun. |
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Sex is like Chinese
dinner. It's not over till you both get your cookies. |
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Sex is only good
when you're getting it. |
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Sharp words will
dull respect. |
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Shoot for the moon,
because even if you miss, you'll land in the stars. |
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Simplicity is
beyond the capability of experts. |
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Simplify
meditation. Sit down and shut up! |
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Sin will take you
farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you
want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. |
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Skillful sailors
aren't made on smooth waters. |
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Smile as often as
possible. If your face hurts, then you are out of shape. |
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Smile! It improves
your face value and uses less muscles than frowning. |
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Smile. If you can't
lift the corners, let the middle sag. |
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Smiles may wrinkle
my face, but lack of enthusiasm wrinkles my soul. |
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Smith & Wesson --
the original point and click interface. |
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So, pardon me while
I burst into flames. |
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Some days you get
the bear. Some days the bear gets you. |
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Some days you get
the elevator...some days the shaft. |
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Some days you're
the dog, and some days you're the hydrant. |
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Some days you're
the windshield. Some days you're the bug. |
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Some people are
only alive because it's illegal to shoot them. |
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Some people are
wise. Some are otherwise. |
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Some people have
thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want.
All they need is one reason why they can. |
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Some people live
their lives in chains never knowing they hold the key. |
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Some people own
cats and go on to live normal lives. |
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Some say it's half
empty. I say it's half full. That's life. |
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Some women smoke
too much. Some women drink too much. Some women even
pray too much.
But, all women think they weigh too much. |
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Someday the law of
averages is going to catch up, and the Cubs are going to
win the World Series! |
